Let's talk about sex, baby. Let's talk about you and me. let's talk about all the good things and the bad things that may be. Let's talk about sex. Yeah, so this rant is not about sex, but I thought that was a better, more eye-catching opening than 'Did Hooked on Phonics REALLY work for you?' OK, so this rant is about reading. And how people DON'T! Yeah. As most of you know, I started working at Barnes and Noble on Tuesday, June 18th. I started with all of my fellow colleagues in order to prepare our new store to be open on July 10th. Despite the fact that the windows still have paper on them to keep them fingerprint free and the signs up all over the entry-way declaring that we're opening on the tenth, at least 5 people came in every single day asking if we were open yet. The best ones are the ones when the entire staff, including management, music, and cafe are assembled for meetings and people walk in and ask if we're open. One day, one of the assistants was like, "Yes, we always invite our customers to attend our staff meetings." Now it may sound harsh, but really, the bitch deserved it. Other good times with smart customers include the lady who came in, browsed the romance section, picked out a book, and sat in one of the chairs reading it until she fell asleep (no employee noticed because it was one of the first days and no one knew who belonged and who didn't, plus we were all running around crazily trying to break down pallettes). One of the leads was like, "Um, I don't think that lady works here." So the manager woke her up and was like, "Can I help you?" And obviously the lady was like "Oh, man, sorry, I just fell asleep." And Bob (the aforementioned manager) was like, "yeah, the store's not open yet." And the lady got all pissed off and was like, "well how am I supposed to know that??" But really, how could she NOT?!?!? As I've said, it was one of the first days we were working in the store, so some of the books were on the shelves, others were not, but none of them were alphabetized. Plus, didn't she find it odd that there were NO other customers but like 98 employees were running around?? So my rant is not about this lady in particular but about the general public that ignores the (literal) signs of us being closed. The most blatant of these being, as I mentioned the signs out front saying that we were opening on July 10th. Now, call me crazy, but I would assume that going in to a bookstore, a person would either enjoy or be willing to, or at the very least BE ABLE to read. So do me a favor. Open your damn eyes and read the signs before you walk into my store uninvited. I have enough things to do getting a store open in three weeks without moronic people walking in all the time asking if we're open when we're so obviously not.
OK, so this is by far the most disgusting rant yet, and, I hope, the most disgusting rant I'll ever have. OK, so Kristen and I worked the same shift today, which means that we were together all day. So right before we went on break we decided to stop in the bathroom. Kristen takes the first stall, and given the fact that there are only two regular stalls and one handicap stall, I went for the second stall, which was the only available regular stall. I walk in and there was not only urine, but feces in the bowl as well. So I go into the stall and flush, because "the cleanliness of the restrooms are the responsibility of the entire Barnes and Noble bookseller family." So whatever. There's crap and urine in one of the stalls, right? Must just be a disgusting customer! Ehhhhhhhhhhhh! You could not be more wrong! The store's grand opening isn't until July 10th, which means that the only people who have access to the restrooms are employees. How disgusting can you be?? It's a brand new bathroom in a brand new store! Can we NOT trash it before it opens? Plus, you know that person ignored the "Employees must wash hands before returning to work" sign. It kind of makes me sick to think that I work with--and probably have eaten lunch or something with--a person who would leave a toilet bowl full of crap.
The other night after Adolescent Lit. I was walking to my car, which I obviously had to park in EAST CHUCK because I go to RIC (but that's another rant for another time.), and I passed these two half-wits walking their dogs. Now, OK, two women and about 978 dogs. Not a winning combination already, right? But whatever. If you can control them I don't care what the person to dog ratio is. But as I walk by, one of the dogs (I think the only one who is NOT on a leash) decides to bound out to the middle of the road to sniff around some discarded McDonald's. Keep in mind that this is that crappy one way road that goes between Whipple and the rear entrance (at least, I consider it the rear entrance) of Alger, so there's no getting around this retard dog. And the two dip-shit ladies just stand there on the sidewalk near Alger and call to the dog while trying to keep the other eleventy billion dogs out of the road. By the time I lose sight of them, there are like, 4 cars waiting for the dog to get out of the road so they can drive by, and at least one of them is tooting incessantly. So I get to my car, and because I'm stupid, I go down the road between Nazarian and Whipple, ensuring that if the dip-shits and the dog are still there I'll have a good long wait in front of me. Sure enough, they're still there. By this time, there were 3 cars on the road between Whipple and Alger, another 4 on the road between Whipple and Nazarian (not counting me), and 4 that I can see waiting on the road between Nazarian and the Art Center. How stupid can you be? Go out into the damn road and pull the dog out, by its balls if you have to. The moron sisters at this point are making vague attemps to call the dog to the side of the road between attacks of laughter. They're lucky I wasn't the first car in line, because I would have run that bastard dog down after about 30 seconds. Finally, the driver in the THIRD car in line (a 156 year old man in a '95 mint green Taurus-but that's another story) gets out and kind of kicks the dog over to the sidewalk. The ladies were pissed (I heard them yelling because by this time most of us were out of our cars and forming a mob to go over and bitch smack the snot out of the stupid women), and they got into a fight with the old guy. Not a big fight, because I think they knew that we would have run them over if they'd had the temerity to be rude with him. So, really, what is that about? That pissed me off so much I wanted to run them all over. All 80 dogs and especially the stupid, stupid women who were walking them.
It's late at night, you've just watched a classic episode of SNL, as well as an especially scandalous episode of 'Change of Heart,' and you turn back to Comedy Central. 'Let's Bowl' is on. You think, 'Hey! I like bowling, I like it when people fight their personal battles on TV.' So you watch. This is where my rant begins. The winners (note: winners is said sarcastically) on the night I caught it was an engaged couple. What were they fighting about? He wanted to have strippers at his bachelor party, and she didn't want him to have them. I have many, many issue with this. First of all, you're about to be married! Learn to settle your arguments at home, in a mature and respectful manner. If they have to go on 'Let's Bowl' to solve a squabble, it doesn't inspire much confidence that it'll be a successful marriage. Second of all, why is she marrying him?! He's obviously just a horny man who doesn't care about his fiance enough to respect her wishes. Seriously. Don't marry someone like that. Ever. If she won, she would have to live with the knowledge that he didn't think she could satisfy him, and he'll always have these illicit dreams about skanky strippers he never got to bang. If he won, she would have to live with the knowledge that he probably participated in some form of sex at his bachelor party. As it turns out, he won, and the announcer guy says to the girl 'So, how are you doing with the knowledge that he's probably gonna get a lap dance from a stripper?' And then the stupid girl goes 'It's OK. I know he'll be thinking of me the whole time.' Right, which is obviously why he wants the strippers in the first place. Oh my God! Am I the only one who thinks that 1) This lady is stupid and deserves what she's getting herslef into, and 2)the marriage will not be succesful?? All in all, shows like this are normally right up my alley, but this one rolled a gutter ball.
OK, so I'm watching "My Girl" last night, which, don't get me wrong: completely and totally love the movie. However, I hate the line where Dan Ackroyd-while speaking of Vada's dead mother-goes: "She loved to laugh." And I know it's not just "My Girl," that other movies use it, but, let's face it, it's a bad line. It's a cheesy line and it's a stupid line. I mean, why do we laugh? Because we're happy or we've found something amusing. So really, under those circumstances, I think we'd be hard-pressed to find someone who doesn't love to laugh. Unless it's one of those rare I'm-laughing-because-I-have-too-many-emotions-to-deal-with-so-I'm-hysterical-laughs, a la Elinor Dashwood (played by Emma Thompson) in the final moments of "Sense and Sensibility." I'm assuming that if you're on my web-page you're either a) A geek who loves Jane Austen novels as much as I do or b) one of my friends and therefore very unlikely to ever pick up a book that doesn't have the words '...for Dummies' or 'The Complete Idiots Guide to...' in the title. In either case, I don't mind ruining the ending: Elinor finally gets what she wants at the end, but by that point she's so sure she's not going to get it that when she realizes she will she breaks down into this awesome laughing/crying hysteria bit that I go through with her every time I read/watch "Sense and Sensibility." Anyway, I'm saying under normal circumstances, ones in which your heart isn't breaking and completely happy all in one fell swoop, people-in general-love to laugh. I find the statement "She loved to laugh" to be redundant and irritating. That statement, however, is the only sore spot in an otherwise contemporarily classic coming-of-age film.